It will be two years since I lost my best friend. She helped me play the recorder and helped me to be a musician. Since her tragic death I have not coped at all, I miss her every single day. And I can’t cope anymore. Do you have any advice?

Gemma

Hello Gemma,

I am glad you wrote in to Grace Tree and my prayers are with you in your loss.  It’s very easy to get depressed and despondent when we lose someone very dear to us. The deep sadness, ache and pain is very natural and normal, part of the loss process. And, if we don’ take care of ourselves and allow the grieving process to occur it can consume us over time and be quite debilitating and harmful in many ways.  

There are several stages in the grieving process Gemma including shock, pain, anger, depression, guilt and more. And, when we travel through grief they rarely occur in a linear fashion but overlap. We can go back and forth between feelings and stages. Things we thought we could put behind often have a way of creeping back up and sometimes catch us off guard.  The grieving process is a very emotionally raw experience and can even be complicated by the circumstances surrounding the loss. It sounds like you may be experiencing ’complicated grief’ and that is certainly hard to handle at times due to the nature of the loss.

Now is the time to be good to yourself and try to allow for your continued healing through this Gemma. Sometimes a ‘celebration of life’ event can help the journey through acute grief. This is where you participate in an event that commemorates the loved one’s life in a way that is personal to you. It can be something small and intimate, meaningful to you and her, and include others or just be by yourself.  Examples are prayer circles, volunteering for something in your loved one’s name, making a donation in their honor, creating artwork in their name, playing at a concert for others less fortunate, and so forth. You can be creative as you like and even do more than one thing. The idea is to celebrate the person you knew and praise God for the time you were able to spend together.  It will not instantly make the painful feelings go away, but it will help you focus on the many positives of the gift of having such a beautiful friend in your life.

Other things you can do to help might be to join a grief group at a local church or hospital if available, or even online, somewhere where you can share your pain and loss with others who are walking the journey also. Working with a professional counselor for a while can also help, working through and processing your feelings together to help get it all out. Also, spending time in God’s word and in communion with him, to know deeper the hope in Christ and the riches that his glory offers. I believe too, as scripture says, that ‘all things are possible’ with God who loves us, that he is able to carry our love, thoughts, prayers and communications to our loved ones for us.  When we allow God to be our bridge, hope, comfort and refuge he does not let us down. He understands our grief and pain and will walk through it with us each step of the way if we let him. 

Again, my prayers and thoughts are with you Gemma and I hope you find a deeper sense of peace and comfort in God in the coming days.

Sincerely,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Hello Dirk,

You certainly have a very complex and painful situation going on and I’ll do my best to give you the wise counsel you seek. First, you are right in that you need help, whether your marriage stays intact or not. Sexual addiction is a tough nut to crack, though the good news is that it can be done. It will take hard work and committment on your part, and a multi-faceted approach.

The first thing I would recommend would be seeking out a good, trusted, male Christian counselor in your local area who is willing to work with you closely on the issue of your sexual abuse and the ‘much more’ that you didn’t mention. You’ll need to commit to working through your long-standing pornography addiction and the internet chatting addiction which is very real as well. The next level of help I recommend would be to meet with your Pastor and confide in him about your addiction and struggles, and to also ask him to meet with you regularly and help hold you accountable for getting the help you need. It would also benefit you to join a men’s bible study group and ministry for ongoing support and help from other men. Sexual addiction readily thrives as one of those ‘secret sins’ in mens lives because it is kept hidden from others out of embarrassment, fear, shame and more. It’s hold can only be broken when it’s brought to light and shared with others who can hold you accountable. The third level to work on is your internet and computer usage. You will need to put into place ‘nanny’ programs that don’t allow pornography site navigation, and also put other accountability measures in place such as only using the computer while in the same room as your spouse. This takes away the ability to feed the addiction. And, if your work computer is a temptation the same precautions should be taken there.

Once you get the help you need Dirk and the other pieces into place, with God’s help you should begin to see more real gains made in overcoming your sexual addiction and other problems. Honoring God and reading the bible are good things, but as you know from experience doing those things and ‘trying hard’ not to feed the addiction do not break this type of stronghold. Only putting God first, getting real and honest with yourself and having other men walk beside you to hold you accountable will break this bondage. I pray that God will give you the courage and strength to make the choices that you need to make to move forward Dirk.

Sincerely,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Dear Julie,

It sounds like you really have a heart for helping others and are woman after God’s own heart in wanting to help the healing process of others and I don’t think you should ever give up on that. God has given you that desire in your heart and when God wants to use an experience, talent or a gift he has given us he will make a way to do so whether it’s in a professional or para-professional setting, mission field, or something else.  And, often times it doesn’t match up to our notion of what that would look like or in the time frame we think it should happen. We seldom know where God will take us in advance, but we are called to trust in him for all of life’s journey. 

Your future with God can also unfold whether you stay with your husband or not, get formal schooling or another type of training, or any other scenario that may occur. God isn’t limited or hindered by anything. And yes, while satan can deceive us we all have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to help us discern if our choices and decisions are based in what God would have us do at any point in our lives. In your life right now you are still a wife and also a mother of 5 children whom certainly need you and that takes priority. The best encouragement I can give is to rest and take a step back from things for a bit, stay close to God, and watch for his guidance in reference to your marriage and family life and also how he plans to use your past experience and passion to help others. The direction and answers may not come as fast as you’d like or be what you necessarily think they should be or in your idea of timing, but I don’t doubt that God will guide you and ultimately use your experience and passion for his glory and kingdom.  Keep stepping out in faith in God Julie, and know that whatever he guides you toward in his time, he will provide the way.

Sincerely,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

I recently received a few questions about Grace Tree’s Counseling services:

Do you take any forms of insurance for your services?  -Heidi

Do you only do online and telephone counseling, or do you also do face-to-face counseling?  -Latrelle

Hello Heidi and Latrelle,

Thanks for writing in. I do not currently take any forms of insurance for my services. From what I know, setting up reimbursement through insurance boards is a very complex and rigorous task for traditional face-to-face counseling agencies. And, since online counseling is not widely accepted yet in the mainstream therapy field  I imagine it may be even more difficult setting up reimbursement for online services. While those of us who’ve been pioneers in the field for several years already certainly know the validity of it’s therapeutic benefit to a wide range of people, there exists still skepticism and a desire for empirical research. Perhaps someday the online therapy practice will become more of the norm along wit traditional therapies and insurance boards will cover it automatically then as a matter course just like other counseling therapies.

I also do not do any face-to-face traditional counseling at Grace Tree and the practice is limited to online modalities, much like someone might have another type of online business that they operate strictly over the Internet. The flexibility of the online counseling venues of e-mail, direct chat and telephone counseling are the most popular and offer the most choices for people with hectic lives who want something that fits in their schedule and  that they can engage in rather quickly. Online services also benefit clients in terms of lower service fees overall because of the reduced overhead costs for a practice that does not require office space, equipment and furniture, additional staff and so forth.

Glad to answer your questions ladies, and if I can be of any further help feel free to e-mail me!

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

 I am a desperate mother of a 36 year-old son whose father died when he was in his late 20′s.  His father had severe personality problems that separated us and hurt my son badly emotionally. He even thinks he has inherited his father’s personality disorder. He is unable to keep friendships with women who say he is overpowering and controlling, same as his father.  My son experienced traumatic times when we moved away from his father as life had become too much for me. I did not know the Lord then, but God shielded us through it all.  I then studied as a nurse so I could have a career and bring them up. Then, I met a man who had domestic problems with his own wife and left my husband to marry him, which I know now was wrong.  Yet, together we brought my two children up and several grandchildren.  But our son, who is sweet and kind, suffers from depression and blames me for everything including his failed friendships.  He knows I believe that to have a good friendships you must be in the Lord with the Holy Spirit helping and guiding, etc.

We live in England and do not know where we can get help.  We are blessed though, because on top of all this and my regrets of marrying,  the Lord gave me and my husband missions work to do together. It is as though He has forgiven me for marrying another man who had a wife even though he says they were having problems. Yet, I am hurting because of my son.  He goes through these personality crises and I don’t know what to do.  He received the Lord Jesus in his heart and was baptized, but now he is just argumentative and justifies poor choices like having the right to live with a girlfriend as husband and wife. He twists the Word of God and is very eloquent to where I cannot answer him even though I know where it is wrong. He is very intelligent, but he has had a lot of trauma in his young life and is badly affected periodically.  He follows the Lord, but has dark feelings, isolates himself and goes more into the world or withdraws.  He uses me as a punching bag, but by God’s grace I take it. I often get up early and pray, crying to the Lord.  My son will not approach anyone he knows about his problems and the fact that he may have behaviour inheritance from his father.  He loves his father and misses him. What can I possibly do more to help him in his situation? Any guidance you can offer would be sincerely appreciated.

 God bless you,  Elvida

Dear Elvida,

I am glad you wrote in to Grace Tree’s Interactive! blog. As a parent of young adults myself, my heart goes out to you in what sounds like quite a complicated situation. Hopefully I can be of some encouragement as the Holy Spirit leads. In looking at the big picture of what you shared, a few basic things stand out in terms of family relationships, guilt and responsibility. First, in terms of your own past mistakes and remarriage, remember that our God is a big God who is merciful and always loving toward us. There isn’t anything his grace can’t cover. And, while your choices have had real consequences you’ve all had to bear, in his forgiveness he often restores us beyond what any of us deserve. I am glad you and your husband are being used in mission ministry and pray you go forward in your service in all the confidence his love offers.

Second, it s always our calling to love and pray for our children no matter what. Yet now, your son is well into adulthood and fully responsible for his own life and walk with God. Instead of you continuing to bear the weight and guilt of your past mistakes it sounds like it’s time for you to get more closure in making your own peace with God and taking him at his word that you are fully a ‘new creation’ in Christ and all your sin, past, present and future, has been removed ‘as far as the east is from the west.’ It’s not doing you any good to live your life while constantly looking in the rearview mirror. When we live that way, we are impaired by not having a full forward view of all we are and can be in Christ according to his riches and blessings for us. The best thing to do is live for him and love boldly, yourself and son included, and release your adult son to God to do the same supernatural work in his life as he’s done for you! Keep offering your son your wisdom and guidance in key areas of his life, be that needed Godly role model, pray for him and be there for him, but also allow him the same free will God does to make his own choices in life. Even if he stumbles and falls at times, God’s promise is that none of ‘his sheep’ can be lost and he will leave the ninety-nine to rescue the one. We serve an extremely loving and faithful God who can be trusted no matter what circumstances seem like to us. God will be faithful in your son’s life, so keep developing and fine-tuning your trust in him in that respect. I wish all the best for a bright and blessed future for your family Elvida and may you keep resting in God’s infinite grace and provision for you all.

Sincerely, Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

I have a lot of problems with my past, mainly problems with ex’s that didn’t treat me right or just didn’t act like they should have. Each was a messy break up that scarred me. Recently I haven’t been able to give up the past and I really need to know how. It’s been making me worry about my current relationship. I know my boyfriend isn’t like them and never will be but when we can’t be around each other I worry that he’s going to cheat or find someone else like the others have, even though I know he won’t and he tells me he won’t.

My past is keeping me from being happy and I really need to let it go. It makes me paranoid and if I don’t find a way to control this and let the past go, I’m afraid I might lose my boyfriend and I don’t want that. He is one of the best things in my life and I love him so much, I just need help to forget my past and let it go.

Thanks, Ruth

Dear Ruth,

What stands out nicely in your letter is your sincerity and searching heart on how you realize that you are the one who has a problem in your relationship in the areas of trust, intimacy and risk, and are seeking healing solutions for yourself. With your keen awareness and analysis of where it all your ‘stuff’ comes from, you are already in a very good position and a significant way down the road to recovery for yourself. Kudos to you!

Given that, I think the next logiocal step is to continue forward and get the help you need tin terms of working through all the baggage of those past hurts. It’s going to take time, but avenues available to you may be counseling, a women’s bible-study r other support group, pastoral help or even couples counseling so you can work on things together and your boyfriend can gain a beter understanding of your experience and how to build a happy, healthy relationship together going forward. Processing those old issues is key to coming to terms with your past and not allowing it to affect your present relationships. 

And, while it may be a bit overwhelming or hard to think about delving into those old issues and what more that may come up, it really is the best gift you can give yourself Ruth. A wise person seeks wise counsel from trusted others to make sure they’re on a steady path of healing and maturity. You’re off to a great start and my prayer for you is that you continue down the path set before you in God to get the help you need. 

Sincerely,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

I am having a difficult time with my daughter, who is a drug addict, 41 years old and having a baby anyday now. She has two children from her marriage I take care of, like driving them to school and cooking supper because the father works. My daughter will not talk to anyone in her family and I believe she is ill in the head due to her drug usage. She supposidly has not been using lately, but her drug of choice was crack cocaine. I have tried calling her and I am concerned about her and she is angry, resentful and blames me (her mother) for everything. She sees her kids on the weekends and I think she tries to manipulate them to her way of thinking. Sometimes I cry a lot and I get angry and I can’t help it because I still love her. It seems as though she don’t want any part of her loving family anymore and I don’t know what else to do.

Hello Sue,

My heart goes out to you in your struggle to love and relate with your adult daughter in a healthy way and what that all means for you and your family and her daughters as well. It’s by no means an easy situation. The best thing you can do for  her is to continue to treat her as an adult under an umbrella of ‘tough love’ and be there for her when needed, but without enabling her in her disease. As you have probably found, this is a tough balancing act that requires a lot of stamina, energy, boundary setting, some measure of grace and a lot of prayer. The key is to also take care of yourself in the process to avoid become burned out, depressed, overwhelmed and more.

Substance users will generally do and say anything in order to feed their habits unless they are in some type of recovery program. You didn’t mention if your daughter is or not which would certainly be to her benefit if she was.  Maybe her husband can be an influence to get her to consider a treatment program even if its as basic as attending NA or AA. There are also Al-Anon type recovery support groups for family members dealing with substance users that are a valuable source of support to help fasmily members learn to be strong and keep that  balance while setting healthy limits on the relationship. I encourage you to find out all you can about Al-Anon and Codependency issues and these groups availability in your local community. There are also a lot of resources online about it Codependency and more, even online support groups to get you started. There is nothing as helpful and strengthening as walking the path you’re on with other parents struggling with the same issues and their adult children. Through them you can gain a lot of wisdom, understanding, support and hope for your journey. I would also recommend reading books for parents of adult substance users and anything else that would help you remian strong and confident in your stance such as Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. Dobson, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, etc. Your online support friends can share additional good book recommendations as well.

I know you’re in a tough spot and being their for your granddaughters is wonderful Sue. I pray for the best outcome for you, your daughter and the rest of your family going forward and that you all findstrength and trust in God’s guidance in your lives.

Regards,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Stacia

Hi Stacia,

Well, the first thing to do that would help the most is to determine if you really are pregnant or not. Thinking you are but not knowing for sure isn’t doing much good and sounds like it is only increasing your anxiety and fear. My advice is to get tested and find out for sure. It may turn out that you are not and your worries are unfounded. However, if you test positive and realize that you are pregnant you’ll be in a better position to fully accept the pregnancy and begin to deal with what that means in your life. You and your boyfriend will then have to face it together if he is willing. If not, you will have to face it yourself. It does little good to worry about it though until you know for certain.

I also believe that saying you ‘don’t know how this could be’ after the fact is not being honest with yourself. All forms of birth control are not 100% effective and condoms have one of the lowest rates of reliability due to the fact they can have small ruptures or simply break during intercourse. Going forward, it’s best to be honest with yourself and admit that if you decide to have sexual relations regardless of what form of birth control you use that the possibility of getting pregnant always exists. 

Each of us  needs to be aware that all of our actions and choices have consequences and sex is no different Stacia. As a young woman choosing to have sex prior to marriage, you need to be wise and be aware that you are choosing a risky behavior that can end up in pregnancy and/or disease. That’s just stating the facts and as much as it’s hard to accept it is the truth. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to make wise choices that don’t place you at risk.   I hope things work out for you Stacia, and that if are going to face a pregnancy that your boyfriend will come along side you and help you. 

Regards,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

I am 17 years old and I am a teenage mother. When I was growing up my mother was bi-polar and I believe her disorder affected me. I have big trust issues and have issues with being independent. I recently moved out on my own while trying to graduate from high school. I also have created most of the problems in my relationship with my child’s father due to the personal issues that I have. I’m not really sure what I am asking for. I guess I would really appreciate some guidance.

Thanks, Erin

Hello Erin,

I’m glad you wrote in Erin and you’re certainly no alone in your feelings and struggles. Growing up in a household with a mentally ill parent is hard on family members and can create numerous kinds of dysfunctional relationship and communication patterns that get passed down to the children. And, now you are also a single parent yourself, though it sounds like you are doing pretty well with being on your own and finishing school. Kudos to you for having great goals and investing in yourself and your child’s future.

Being the child of a bi-polar parent can certainly cause you to grow up fast Erin. And, there are varying degrees of impairment that can accompany the condition. You mentioned that you struggle with trust and independence, two very common characteristics that adult children from dysfunctional family backgrounds deal with. Your trust issues may stem from growing up in a household where you were not able to fully trust that your mother, your main caretaker and who you fully depended on as a vulnerable young child, would be there for you in all the ways you needed her to be, i.e. physically, mentally and emotionally. If children don’t have stable and predictable attachments in a family it  can wreak havoc in their life and stunt healthy development and growth in key areas. 

And, the child who grows up experiencing that she can’t trust her main caretaker to protect, nurture and provide for her becomes conditioned to believe that people in general may not be trustworthy at all. This then sets the stage for a struggle between being ‘independent vs. dependent’ as an adult. A young adult often feels pulled between those two extremes without having learned that there is a healthy middle ground. What’s most helpful in this case is to learn to become interdependent with others in life through learning to have health relationships.

These types of struggles, learning to trust and to be interdependent, take hard work, practice and time to overcome Erin, but are well worth the effort for a happy life. My advice to you would be to seek out healthy friends and family members  who can be good role models and a support system for you. You might also consider getting help through a trusted professional to help you sort through things, heal and grow. You are likely to find that as you trust, embrace and work with other people who are safe and healthy, that the healing and learning process is truly a gift that continually blesses over a lifetime. In going forward Erin, remember that all it takes is to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the healing journey. I wish you all the best going forward!

Sincerely,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

I have a question. At present, do you have clients residing in Pakistan and receiving your online counselling services?

-Sajal

Hi Sajal,

Thanks for inquiring about our services. I do counsel people in many places around the world such as Europe, Asia, Middle East, Australia, Canada and more, and for a wide variety of life issues and personal struggles. The nice thing about online services is that you can connect over long distances and professionals like myself can provide services for those who may not have local access treatment services where they live. Other benefits include the relatively quick availability of services online as well as the level of privacy involved for the client. And, many individuals who receive online services through Grace Tree share very positive feedback on all aspects of Grace Tree’s services. I hope that helps Sajal. If there are any other specific questions you have please feel free to contact me via e-mail links provided on my website.

Regards,

Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C